The telephone rings. You wait but no one answers. It rings again. It is an annoying ring designed to irritate you until someone answers it.
Why doesn’t your assistant answer the phone? Oh, you no longer have an assistant. You are retired.
Why doesn’t your wife answer the damn phone? She is not home and, by the way, she is not your assistant.
You answer the phone. “Hello.” You expect to hear the voice of an old colleague or perhaps someone from work with an important question. You have had thousands of such calls during your work life.
“Is this Scott,” asks a strange, accented voice with a hint of enthusiasm.
Unaccustomed to the telephone solicitation game, you answer honestly, “Yes.” This is usually a mistake, but you will learn in your new life. The people on the other end of the phone line are ‘marketing zombies.’ Their job is to irritate you until you buy their product, which you do not want or need.
Marketing zombies and their computer generated colleagues must be defeated or you will spend the rest of your retirement talking to people you do not like and buying stuff you do not want.
First, register for the Do Not Call list maintained by the U.S, Marketing Association. Register your landline, your mobile phone, your spouse’s mobile phone, and any others you can think of. This helps a little but is not completely effective.
Next, prepare your response to the zombies. Here are a few responses I have found effective.
- “Is this Scott?”
“No, Scott died. You are interrupting the funeral, please don’t call again.
- “Is this Scott?”
“No this is the County Prosecutor’s Office. What are your name, phone number and registration number? Do you know it is illegal to solicit without a license?”
- “Is this Scott?”
“No, Scott’s in jail. He killed a telemarketing person. She had it coming. Don’t call back.”
- “Congratulations, you just won a free trip to Europe.”
“Sorry but I have a communicable disease. If I go on your trip I will kill everyone else on the trip. Don’t call back. My germs can travel through the telephone lines; you should go to the doctor.”
- “We have a special offer for those who purchase solar panels this week.”
“I already have solar panels. Do you know how I can angle them to fry my neighbor? Don’t call back.
If asked to buy a product, it is usually better to say you already own it so the zombies see no benefit in calling again.
Charity zombies are the worst. They can be exempt from do not call lists and will try to make you feel guilty if you do not cough up enough money.
- “Hi I am calling for disabled children. Without your help…”
“Sorry, but I give all my contributions to XYZ and do not give any donations to phone solicitors (i.e. zombies). Good luck with your fundraising. Good-bye.” Then hang up before the zombie can deliver the next pitch.
Some “Do not do this” rules when dealing with zombies or computer generated calls.
- If you do not answer, they will call again.
- If you hang up without talking, they have verified the validity of your phone number and will call more often.
- If you yell at them, you have wasted your time and elevated your blood pressure for no reason. Zombies and computers are not human.
- Do not have a long conversation even if you have free time. Conversation with potential victims encourages zombies.
- If you become entangled in a conversation and are feeling pressure to buy stuff or sign up for something that is free (hint: nothing is free), just tell them that your spouse makes all the decisions and he/she is in Antarctica measuring global warming. If asked, when will she return, just say, “when the ice melts.” Never give a date for a follow up call.
- It is not a good idea to give zombies someone else’s name and number, even if it is someone you do not like. He or she can reciprocate digitally in ways that are even worse than dealing with zombies.
You probably used to work 8 to 10 hours a day, and your work was productive, in part because you had an assistant also working at least 8 hours a day doing stuff that you would otherwise have to do. Without an assistant, your productivity declines significantly, but you have more time so get used to being less productive.
Making travel arrangements without an assistant are the worst. For example, let’s say you want to take the spouse on a trip to Spain. First you need airplane tickets. Securing well-priced airline tickets requires time, patience, diligence, and frustration.
There are lots of discount ticket websites but most sell highly restrictive tickets. Your plans may change but your tickets often do not. To understand ticket limitations, restrictions, and possible deals, you can actually call a ticket reservation person, but accessing a human being is typically a challenge.
Generally, you dial the desired airline and hear a recorded friendly voice. You listen intently trying to block out the noise of your dog, which is barking at someone walking past your house. It is not easy; your hearing is not as sharp as it once was.
“Shut up Duke,” you shout, further diminishing the ability to hear the tape-recorded message. Duke barks louder.
“Press 1 for English,” says the voice.
“You manipulate your Smart Phone to try to find the keypad and press “1” quickly, narrowly avoiding trying to make a reservation in Spanish.
“Press 1 for new reservations,” the recording now says. You press “1” with a growing sense of confidence.
“Press 1 for domestic reservations.” You press “1”, feeling progress is good and a human being is waiting just seconds away.
Then the music plays. This is not a good sign. It means you are on hold because there is no human available to talk to you. The music is poor; it is like being trapped in an elevator for a long time. This is the airlines way of punishing you for wanting to speak with a human. The music continues for several minutes; you need to use the bathroom and have other things to do but you are afraid of missing the human if you put the phone down. Finally, you rush to the bathroom only to return to a quiet phone; the human came and departed. Maybe, their sophisticated electronics recognized when you put the phone down, so they can disconnect.
You dial the number again. “Press 1 for English” says the voice, as you restart the process.
After wasting considerable and what you previously considered precious time, you reach a human.
“I need 2 tickets to New York City flying from San Diego on October 1,” you say having organized and prepared for this conversation. “ I would like to use my accumulated miles if possible,” you say. During your lifetime of flying, you have accumulated hundreds of thousands of miles that theoretically can be converted to free airline tickets.
“The only flights that have mileage seats available on your itinerary begin with a 5:30 am departure and have four stops and plane changes,” replies the helpful agent.
“But it’s a holiday with my spouse. We can’t leave that early and take so many flights,” you complain. Surely your elite status will cause the agent to find a better route.
“There are direct flights,” she replies, “but a business class seat is $4000. A coach seat is $500” The new coach seats are designed for people with no legs. You were a senior executive, and you are not going to fly 5 hours with no place for your legs and the guy in front of you sitting in your lap.
Normally, your assistant would make a few more calls including to a particular travel agent who has access to some good deals and likes her. Eventually she will find suitable seats and routing, but now you have two choices, and the agent is getting a bit impatient. You can hang up and start the long and frustrating process over with someone else or you can buy the overpriced tickets.
Having bought expensive tickets, your journey has just begun. The car that normally takes you to the airport navigating the hassles of rush hour driving and congested airport access is busy driving still working executives. You’re on your own. Drive, take a taxi with a non-English speaking driver, or take Uber risking peak pricing.
Arriving at the airport, you do not want to check your bags. Recently, thousands of passengers passing through Phoenix departed without their luggage. Every experienced traveler knows not to check bags, but the airlines now require carryon bags to fit within a small basket at the check in counter. The basket is undersized; the airlines do not want you to carry on bags. They will even charge you for each bag unless you buy an overpriced ticket.
You miss your assistant, but you need to adjust. Remember what you do not miss about working long hours, rush hour commutes, missing family occasions. Have a glass or two of wine and think about the good things that await you.
