April is National Poetry Month
By Robert Barrows
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What’s your experience with trying to sell something?
How long does it take to even reach the right person? How many times have you called someone who never calls back? How many times have you been referred to voice mail or told that you can only contact the person by email?
Since April is National Poetry Month, it’s time to share this poem with the world. The poem is called “Sales Calls,” written by Robert Barrows, President of R.M. Barrows, Inc. Advertising & Public relations in San Mateo, California.
It gets longer every day with each and every new sales call. Many times you hear the same reply from the businesses you call. Often, you hear something brand new. Then it’s time to add the new line to “Sales Calls” – potentially the longest running poem in the world. It could go on for a lifetime…many lifetimes, all across the universe. (Is anybody out there? They know the routine. Sales is the same all over.)
How are your sales calls going? Is anyone calling you back? Are you making any progress?
Here is the poem:
“SALES CALLS”
He’s not in
He’s not available
He’s in a Meeting
He’s out of town
He’s busy right now
He’s on the phone
May I take a Message?
Would you like his voice mail?
Is he expecting your call?
Sorry, I don’t recall seeing that information.
Could you send it again?
If he’s interested, he’ll contact you.
Have a nice day.
So, I called again and
No one answered
No one home
No one read it
No one cares
Who’d you say you were again?
Who are you with?
Sorry, he’s not available.
Have a nice day.
He’s out to lunch.
It’s a late lunch.
He’s on vacation
He’s indisposed.
He’s being deposed?
He doesn’t work here anymore.
He’s in our London office.
Sorry, we’re not interested.
We don’t take any unsolicited proposals
Thank you for calling
All operators are currently busy
please stay on the line and we will be with you shortly.
He’s in conference now.
He’s traveling.
I’ll let him know.
EI-EI-O
Try again later.
He’s on a call.
He comes in at Two.
Call back Thursday
I think he’s on vacation.
I don’t know how to reach him.
He’s in back to back meetings all day
He’s in a (bored) meeting
He went abroad
(He’s with a broad)
She’s not here
(No longer with the company, or just out of the office?)
She’s still with the company, she’s just not here.
“He hasn’t been in all day.”
Can I leave him a message?
“Yes, please send him an email.”
I’d rather call him. Does he have a voice mail?
“Please send him an email…
…that’s how we conversate at this company.”
Sorry, we’re not interested in making hundreds of million dollars…
That’s not my department
He’s not at his desk
He may not be in until Monday
Does he know you?
Is he expecting your call?
Where are you from?
Sorry, he’s in a meeting.
I’m sorry, he’s on another line.
Could you send me an email?
GIve him a call at about 3:30
Try him in half an hour
Give him a call after 5
Try him next week
Can I leave a message?
They hung up.
Please enter the first three numbers of the first or last name and press pound
Sorry that name is not in our directory
(He’s only the CEO)
To start your search over, press 3.
Oh, he got your package.
If he’s interested, he’ll call you.
“Thanks. I’ll take a look at it” said the email…
So two days later I followed up with some
more information…
“Thanks, I’ll take a look at it” said the reply.
My boss said “Please take his name off your list.”
I said who’s your boss?
You know if he reads the proposal it could
help make your company a lot of money…
Tell him Thanks a lot and
Have a nice day.
May I ask who’s calling?
I’m sorry he’s busy at the moment
Please hold while I transfer your call to…
Click…
This system is temporarily unable to complete your call…
please call again later
I’m sure that your proposal
would be interesting to us.
Regrettably, we just don’t have the
time or the staff available to check it out.
I would like to speak to
Mr. John Jones please…
I will refer you to his assistant.
Sorry…we don’t have him here.
You don’t have him there?
No, we don’t have him here.
You mean he’s not in?
Yes, he’s not in.
OK, can I leave a message?
Would you like his voice mail?
Hi, my name is Robert Barrows
from R.M. Barrows Advertising and…
(The other guy said)…
….I’m not taking sales calls right now,
Sorry there are no entries by that name
Hi, my name is Robert Barrows
from R.M. Barrows Advertising, we’re an ad agency…
(And the admin said…”Of, she’s not available right now”
“I didn’t say I was from a funeral home, we’re an ad agency,
we can help you get a lot more business…”
“Oh, sorry, she’s not in.”
Does he know you?
Nope.
Then he probably won’t take your call.
Mr. Smith please…
Not available!
Whom would I speak with regarding advertising?
I’m sorry, we don’t give that kind of information out
Oh, him… he hasn’t been with our company for years…
Okay, Who’s the new CEO?
The CEO du jour
I’m sorry, If I don’t have a name I can’t connect you.
I can get the name off your website.
Who would I speak with there regarding advertising?
I just have names and departments
I don’t have that type of information listed
He’s the President, he doesn’t handle things like that
Well, perhaps you could let me know whom to contact.
I’m sorry I can’t do that.
Sorry, his assistant is on vacation this week,
Well what about him?
Sorry, his assistant screens all his calls.
(“It’s not like I’m from 60 Minutes”)
May I please speak with him?
I’ll transfer you to his extension.
Computer voice: “Please enter the extension. Are you still there? Please enter the Extension.” (I don’t have a number for the extension.)
End of call.
Sorry, you may have already been a winner!
Whom would I speak with about advertising?
“I don’t think we need it now.”
“Sorry, we don’t take sales calls.”
We’re not interested.
Please don’t call anymore.
Take me off your list.
Have a nice day.
Will Mr. So and So know what this call is regarding?
Is he expecting your call?
Does he even have a clue whom you are?
And by the way, who are you?
You mean you don’t know who I am?
Let me put you through to his voice mail.
Have a nice day!
(Sorry, that box is full, please try again.)
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I hope you enjoyed the poem. Sales Calls are an ongoing process every day. So, in the meantime…Happy Selling…and of course, Happy National Poetry Month and “Thank you for calling. Have a Nice Day.”
For more information about Robert Barrows at R.M. Barrows Advertising & Public Relations in San Mateo, California, visit www.barrows.com.
