Have you ever had a conversation like one of these?
- Your boss asks whether you have returned a call that came in yesterday from a customer. You say you have . . . even though you haven’t. You were just about to make the call, so what’s the harm, right?
- One of your employees really wants you to start buying supplies from a friend of his who works at a nearby office supply store. You listen to his reasons and try to appear like you are considering what he wants, but you have no intention of doing what he asks.
- You have a headache and you are feeling grumpy but when a colleague asks, “how are you doing?” before a meeting you say “fine” just to save time. Why get into it?
What Were You Doing?
Of course you have had conversations like those. We all have. But don’t be too hard on yourself, because you are not a bad person. You have just been tailoring your communications to different goals and situations.
I find it helpful and efficient to understand that there are three different types of communication and to use them somewhat strategically in interactions with other people.
Type 1 – Evasive Communication
Let’s face it. We all communicate evasively. That is another way of suggesting that we all lie – either by saying little white lies or bigger mistruths.
There are different kinds of evasive communication. Some people lie in big or small ways without really having to, and maybe without even realizing they are doing so. It is just their way of communicating. At other times, people lie defensively to “cover their backs,” like the man we met at the start of this article who said he had returned a call from a customer, even though he hadn’t. And at other times, we withhold information, like the man I described above who didn’t want to waste time explaining that he had a headache and was grumpy.
This kind of communication is unauthentic, and the less you do of it, the better the connections you will have with others. Generally speaking, anyway. But the fact is, we need to use this kind of communication because it can be efficient.
One more example. If a salesman knocks on your door and says, “Are you going to paint your house anytime soon?” you have the option of saying no, even though you have already gotten an estimate from another painting company. If you were completely honest with everyone at all times, when would you ever get anything done?
Type 2 – Conclusive Communication
Okay, this is another way of communicating dishonestly – or a little bit, anyway.
This is the kind of communication that was taking place when that business owner listened to his employee’s pitch for buying company supplies from a new vendor, even though that owner had no intention of doing so.
Conclusive communication means that you are trying to direct a conversation toward the outcome that you want. Sometimes people use this type of communication because they want to seem open to new ideas and suggestions, even though they aren’t.
And sometimes people communicate in this way to defend something. If someone from your franchise company calls and says, “We are thinking of selling another franchise location in an area that was previously yours,” for example, you could say “Don’t do that, you will kill my business.” But based on the nature of your relationship with your parent company, you might try to exert influence in more subtle ways – like listening and then trying to punch holes in the reasons the other person is expressing. If you have something important to protect, engaging in complete and accepting communication might not serve your best interests.
Type 3 – Openness and Honesty
Yes, open and honest communication really can happen in business. But there are different ways of doing it, and different levels of openness. At times, you listen openly in order to gather information, but are not completely willing to change your mind. At a slightly higher level, you have an opinion, but you are willing to listen and possibly change it.
And at other times, you maintain a completely open mind and listen to what someone else has to say, without letting your own opinions color your thinking. You are only looking for the best outcome, not to advance a plan or agenda of your own. This is communicating on a very high level.
Bad or Good? Good or Bad?
It is tempting to think that some of the communication types I outline above are “good” and others are “bad.” But is that the case? To be truthful, I think that the distinction between good and bad might not really apply.
What is good, however, is raising your awareness of how you are communicating to a conscious and intentional level. By building your communication skills, you’ll get a lot more done.
And by the way. If you want to know how I am feeling this morning, I am feeling fine.
