Giving an apology isn’t easy, but it doesn’t need to be complicated either. While researching our book The Apology Impulse: How the Business World Ruined Sorry and Why We Can’t Stop Saying It, psychologist Professor Sir Cary Cooper and I analysed hundreds of public and corporate apologies. We were fascinated by the myriad ways large organizations and influential public figures can get it so wrong, despite the public relations resources at their disposal. We eventually came to the conclusion that it is because of, not in spite of, the large public relations resources, that we see and hear so many bad public apologies.
Apologizing has become a public relations exercise. There are many things we can learn about apologizing by examining how large organizations get it wrong. Interpersonal apologies, although they lack the box office appeal of a grovelling corporate giant, can fail in many of the same ways that public apologies do. This is especially true of apologies in the workplace, where careers and reputations are at stake.
If you’re keen to give only sincere apologies that repair damage and foster good relations in the workplace, here are three steps to apologising the right way.
Commit to self-examination
One of the studies we cite in the book, entitled “Better Late Than Early” found that the period of time elapsed between transgression and apology has an impact on how satisfied the recipient is. The conclusion of the study discourages impulsive, knee-jerk apologies and suggests that the giver of an apology takes time to reflect not only on their conduct, but on the impact.
This period of self-examination is crucial to a good apology. There’s a sweet-spot though. Don’t leave it so long that the recipient of your apology thinks you’ve forgotten or that you don’t care about what you did.
In this period of self-examination, question whether you are truly sorry. It’s only worth apologizing if the answer is a resounding yes. If not, perhaps an explanation or clarification is more appropriate. Performative apologies for damage limitation are easy to spot and breed resentment.
If you decide that you are sorry, consider how the specific way that your conduct has affected the other person. Did you humiliate them? Did you cause them extra work? Did you undermine their authority? There are so many ways to damage relations at work and each one requires a different approach. By naming the impact as well as the failure, you show them that you are taking their feelings seriously.
No ifs, no buts
When giving an apology, be prepared to be frank. Keep it short, keep it direct and avoid the temptation to qualify your contrition with ifs and buts. These are the key ingredient of a classic nonpology. If you say “I’m sorry about what I said, but…” the recipient of the apology is forced to view the apology as a transactional gesture that requires their own acquiescence. This is not fair and does little to repair the damage. Even if they share some of the fault, your apology is not the venue to bring this up. The same goes for “I’m sorry if…”. “I’m sorry if you felt undermined…”, “I’m sorry if you were offended…”. A good apology doesn’t contain ‘if’ because “if” makes things hypothetical. If you did the first step correctly, your apology will be based on the fact that you are at fault and want to put things right.
Explain how you’re going to do better
The really important bit happens after you’ve expressed regret. “I’m sorry” is a good start, but if it ends there, it’s pointless. A good apology, especially one given to repair workplace relations, requires an offer of repair and a commitment to improvement. The offer of repair can be anything from “let me buy you a coffee” to “I’d like to help with the project”.
The commitment to improvement needs to be credible, realistic and relevant. If you undermined a colleague, this could involve saying something like “I really want to avoid doing this again. Perhaps you could share your goals for this project with me so I can be more supportive.” If you humiliated a colleague, it could be “I’m going to work on my communication style and find a more constructive way of expressing disagreement.”
These commitments to improvement are the essential ingredient that elevate your apology from mere lip service to a genuine display of remorse.
Bonus tip: Your apology should have the same audience as the transgression. As variable as the quality of corporate apologies are, they do tend to be public, and consumers value this. If your transgression had an audience, for example you undermined a colleague in front of management, your apology should reach the same audience. This doesn’t mean genuflecting and grovelling in front of the entire office. But you could send out an email after issuing a private apology saying “The way I spoke to James/Jane earlier was unacceptable. I’ve apologized privately and I want it to be known that I accept it was unacceptable and will endeavour not to do that again.”
The key to a good workplace apology is sincerity and accountability. You don’t have to like everyone you work with, but you do owe them — even the most challenging personalities — the respect that you’d rightly demand for yourself. And the plus side is, you’ll probably earn more respect and improve your standing among colleagues if you’re seen to display these qualities openly.
