Your mother was right; you are THE literal center of the universe and so is your startup. You’re like binary stars in the post-Copernican sense, but with the whole freakin’ universe and not just our itty-bitty solar system.
Therefore, your press release should be an inflated piece of promotional hype that over-exemplifies everything you want your company to be in ten years, provide you get that $99.B in funding you wished for on your last birthday. It’s not going to write itself so let’s get to work:
STEP 1. THE HEADLINE.
Always use the word free. Search engines love it. The public loves it. Press release syndication services love it. Who doesn’t love freedom? Always use the word always. And start many sentences with and. And leave dangling thoughts for no reason, just incase.
Specifics are too mainstream. Make your headline and sub-headline as vague as possible. Burry the lead. And make it unnecessarily long. It should be like a mini-novel, but without an obvious main character.
Pro Tip: Don’t say what industry your startup is in. Keep the reader guessing.
STEP 2. GO TO IKEA.
Writing thing is a lot of work. Take a break. Go to Ikea and get some furniture for your startup. Invite the team, and then take them all out to lunch afterword. It’s okay. You’re a startup. You will eventually have the money to pay for all this.
STEP 3. THE OPENING PARAGRAPH.
This part should mention your company name somewhere, and what you’re announcing, but that’s literally all the facts you can afford right now. Everything else should be descriptive words.
Pro Tip: Think of this part as a fun game where you use as many descriptive words as possible. Without saying what the product actually does.
Sample Buzz Words: Thrilling, amazing, revolutionary, first-ever, best-ever, most clever, endeavor, #awesome #hashtag.
STEP 4. THE MIDDLE.
Bleh. No one reads the middle. So put all your real stuff there! Who, what, when, where, why. If you must mention the industry, this is the place to do it.
Pro Tip: Either keep this part really short, or make it three pages. These are your only options.
STEP 5. THE QUOTE.
Your CEO should give a quote somewhere. But why not interview your Director of HR? She works so hard, and her family would love to see her get some recognition.
Pro Tip: Make sure all quotes gratuitously dote the accolades on your startup, but again, try not to say how it is significant in any way.
STEP 6. THE LAST PART.
At this point, you’ve done everything you can, and you deserve another break. Let the intern write this part. It’ll be good for their career, and fun for your readers. Clock out at 2:30pm and hit the gym, or the golf course, or go play some Minecraft. You’ve earned it.
STEP 7. SYNDICATION.
Put it out over the newswires in the evening. Most stories go out early in the morning, but you’re the center of the universe, remember?
STEP 8. TELL YOUR PR FIRM.
At this point, they really should be told what’s going on, but this way, you don’t have to pay for much of their time, since you’ve already done most of their job.
STEP 9. WATCH YOUR WORLD GET ROCKED.
This is when the phones will start ringing. The emails will pour in. The Instagram will go nuts. You will likely be acquired within the week, by a big awesome company. If you have investors, they will be so proud.
OPTIONAL STEP 10. GO BACK TO IKEA.
You’ve decided you do want to get that corner bookcase. And those adorable LÖVA giant green leaf canopies in the kid’s department would look really great hanging over everyone’s desk.
THE BOTTOM LINE:
This is a satirical article, so please, please, please do not do the above. If you’re startups is looking for a more realistic guide, try this one.
