Leadership is often seen as a balance of strength and empathy, but what happens when a leader fails to embody the very qualities that are expected of them? As an executive coach with over two decades of experience, I learned some powerful lessons from a female boss who, despite her successful career at this company, demonstrated a distinct lack of empathy and emotional intelligence —qualities we are often taught to look up to with leaders who break the glass ceiling—those who achieve great success in business while navigating the complexities of leadership. As an experienced professional, I thought that being led by a strong female boss would offer a refreshing blend of empathy and decisiveness. However, I soon realized that gender doesn’t always equate to emotional intelligence (EQ), and the lessons I learned from her mistakes became some of the most important lessons I’ve ever encountered in my career.
My experience working with this leader, who had risen in her field, provided me with clear insights into what happens when a leader falls short in the very areas where they should excel. What I thought would be a model of empathetic leadership turned into an example of how not to lead.
Lesson 1: Compassion Must Come Before Business
I recall a moment when one of my sales reps faced a personal crisis—his wife was nearing the end of a high-risk pregnancy. Naturally, this affected his ability to travel and attend an important company meeting. I informed my boss, expecting her to respond with concern for his family. To my surprise, her first reaction wasn’t about the well-being of his wife or the family’s situation, but a concern over the logistics—how the seat he was meant to occupy at the meeting could go unfilled, potentially costing the company. There was no inquiry about their health or any compassion offered.
As a leader, empathy should always come first, especially when the personal circumstances of your team are at play. Disregarding these human elements in favor of business outcomes can severely damage trust and morale. The ability to balance business needs with compassion is a hallmark of an emotionally intelligent leader, and it’s a quality I quickly recognized as lacking in my boss’s approach.
Lesson 2: Disconnecting from Work is Critical for Mental Health
Another striking moment occurred when my boss, despite being on vacation, continued to engage in our leadership team’s text chat. This wasn’t an isolated instance—she made it clear that even during her time off, she felt it was necessary to stay connected. When a team member pointed out that she was supposed to be on vacation, her response was blunt: “It’s the end of the sales quarter. I need to stay on top of things.”
Her leadership style became a clear signal: if you want to succeed, you must stay tethered to your work at all times—even during your personal time. This mentality not only promoted a toxic work culture, but it also set the expectation that in order to be promoted into her position, constant availability was a must. By failing to recognize the importance of mental health and work-life balance, she created an environment where burnout was inevitable and personal time was undervalued.
Lesson 3: Leading vs. Managing
From my experience with this leader, I learned a critical distinction between leading and managing. As an executive coach, I now understand that true leadership is about trust, delegation, and empowering others to take ownership. Unfortunately, my boss’s approach reflected more of a managerial mindset, where control and oversight took precedence over trust. She frequently requested to be included in every calendar appointment and decision, which illustrated a preference for micromanagement rather than allowing her team members to take initiative. In hindsight, I see how this stifled the team’s growth and autonomy. Rather than fostering an environment of trust and empowerment, her actions conveyed that involvement in every detail was a non-negotiable expectation, even when it wasn’t necessary. This experience taught me that effective leadership requires stepping back and giving others the space to lead, rather than inserting oneself into every decision or event.
Lesson 4: Leading by Example—The Pitfalls of Setting Unrealistic Expectations
The concept of “leading by example” was often touted by my boss, but her version of leadership was steeped in the belief that anyone aspiring to rise to her level needed to mirror her tireless work ethic and constant vigilance. She pushed the idea that if you wanted a promotion, you had to behave as she did—always on, always available, and always sacrificing personal time for business.
The problem with this approach is that it doesn’t account for the emotional well-being of the team. While setting an example is important, it’s crucial that leaders model healthy boundaries and self-care. If the behavior you demonstrate is one of relentless work, with no room for rest, you create an environment where burnout becomes inevitable, and the team’s performance suffers. A truly effective leader understands that leading by example means demonstrating balance, respect for personal boundaries, and the ability to recharge.
Implications and Conclusion
I believed that being led by a strong female leader would come with qualities like empathy, emotional intelligence, and an understanding of the balance between personal and professional life. Instead, I learned the hard way that leadership isn’t about gender; it’s about emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and the ability to connect with your team on a human level. The lessons I learned from my boss’s mistakes became pivotal in shaping how I coach and lead today.
True leadership requires empathy, the ability to set healthy boundaries, and the wisdom to empower others rather than micromanage them. It’s about balancing business outcomes with compassion, recognizing the importance of mental health, and leading by example—not just through tireless work but by modeling a sustainable, balanced approach.
As leaders, we must be mindful of the example we set, not just in terms of results but in how we treat our teams, respect their boundaries, and support their well-being. These are the qualities that build trust, drive engagement, and foster a positive, productive work culture. They are the bedrock of emotionally intelligent leadership, and they’re what truly make great leaders effective.
As you reflect on your own leadership journey, consider these questions: Are you modeling empathy and emotional intelligence? Are you setting healthy boundaries that support both your well-being and that of your team? Are you leading by example in a way that promotes balance, respect, and connection?
The answers to these questions will define your leadership legacy. And perhaps, more importantly, they’ll shape the success, satisfaction, and engagement of the people you lead.
