You started your own business so you wouldn’t have to make chit-chat with colleagues every day, right?
Well, maybe that wasn’t the main reason. But it’s certainly true that running your own home business saves you a lot of social stress. Depending on the nature of your particular concern, you might go days without having to pass the time of day with a client or a fellow worker.
And even if your work does involve daily small talk, you’re the boss – so you can, to a certain extent, arrange it in a manner that best suits the ebb and flow of your energy. For example, by setting all your appointments in the afternoon or allowing your employees to work from their own homes.
The unfortunate side-effect of all this is that those small talk skills you actually do have tend to wither without use. And unfortunately, while it may seem like a waste of time, small talk is important.
It’s important because even if you’re just talking about the weather, small talk is not about a transaction of information; it’s about bonding. So just as good small talk can help you to connect with your customers and colleagues, a lack of small talk, or poorly-executed small talk, can inhibit trust and weaken the meaning and success of what you do.
(And by the way, experts have also proved that small talk doesn’t kill you).
Of course, knowing that small talk is important doesn’t make you good at it. Even the best-intentioned introvert can stutter and seize up when called upon to present themselves in an uncomfortable situation. Others simply don’t have ‘goods’ to reply to banal workaday questions, even if it doesn’t particularly stress them.
Thankfully, small talk is a skill like any other. Some are born with an aptitude for it, others aren’t, but anyone can improve their game with technique and practice.
What to say
It helps a lot to remember that because small talk is about bonding, not information, being seen to make an effort can be more effective than trotting out a prepared script.
It also helps to take the existential view: you and the person you’re in the elevator/van/office with have been destined to spend these moments together. You’re going both going to be placed on this small patch of Earth until your encounter is through, so you may as well be fraternal about it.
But you’ll probably feel more comfortable with some ‘material’ to hand, too. Some stuff to say. And the trick is to make this a blend of ‘reacting – not acting’ and fall-back cues to use when all else fails.
‘Reacting – not acting’ is a technique that actors use. In fact, it’s often a metric by which actors are judged. An actor who steps into an audition and performs their script as they rehearsed it at home tends to look rather wooden and uninvolved. They’re not ready to roll with anything unexpected, and they develop zero chemistry with whoever they’re performing opposite. They’re acting, not reacting. A good actor learns his script, but then throws it away – and reads their fellow actor instead.
People are complex. You give off a million visual and nonverbal cues when you’re talking, and so do the people you’re talking with. So listen and observe instead of trying to remember your ‘lines’ or cook up something special, and you’ll find things flow much more easily.
Related to this is the power of asking questions. Instead of feeling the pressure to come up with a stunning opinion or anecdote in response to what the other guy just said, enquire about details that they’ve mentioned. It’s flattering, it builds trust, and it’s actual conversation – rather than just two bozos stood next to each other talking to themselves.
What to do
Even with a few tricks in their pocket to keep a conversation going, most introverts are still going to find themselves at a loss from time to time. Small talk is tough, and that’s okay.
But unless you’re talking on the phone, you have a whole world around you to utilize. Start with your eyes. They’re the windows to your soul, remember.
Make good eye contact while the other person’s talking, and they’ll feel you’ve opened up to them and are taking them seriously, even if you’ve barely said a word. If they’re perceptive, they’ll even notice that you’re struggling but making an effort. That goes a long way.
If you’re really stuck, look at what else you can incorporate. Don’t let your gaze wander too much, or you will seem fidgety and maybe even bored. But mentioning the weather or your surroundings when you’re away from home can be a good way to hit that ‘we’re in this together’ vibe; and if you’re on your own premises, offering a drink or a cookie is an excellent way to introduce a prop to the scene and to ‘break bread.’
So you’ve already discovered we each have a secret toolkit for dealing with small talk. Well, that’s just the beginning, as this new visual guide to small talk shows. Give it a whirl and remember to learn from each experience. It’s good for you, it’s good for your business, and who knows – one day you might even enjoy it!
