I am reading a book by Brené Brown. She is a PhD LMSW. Her work, writing and Ted Talks centers around shame and being able to overcome it.
But at the root of our behaviours is shame. We try and avoid it at all costs and yet it is hard to run from. We all have shame. Whether it is about our body image, jobs we do, our income, what we owe, being a parent or a child, or maybe we aren’t as “successful” in our businesses as we’d like to be.
The underlying emotion is shame. It hits us in all relationships in a variety of ways. In romantic relationships we fear if they will love us or worse leave us once they discover who we really are.
It takes being vulnerable to manage our shame. It takes communication and a good dose of being able to laugh at ourselves too!
In business relationships, we may not be enough in someone else’s eyes too. We may not be “enough”. We may not be earning enough yet, or successful enough, or working hard enough, you know these feelings, we all have them. Myself included.
Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly is one of my summer reads.
What it challenges us to do is be willing to accept our vulnerability and dare to be real and move forward. Sometimes, it is a “damn the torpedos it’s full steam ahead” approach we need to take and we must put shame on the back bench and dare to risk, dare to be great. We must do the things that are scary, risky (calculated risk) and that have us being real, vulnerable and authentic.
I love the words from Presidential hopeful, author, teacher and one of the people behind the A Course in Miracles, Marianne Williamson. She writes this:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Taken from A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles” – Marianne Williamson
This is a wonderful passage. It reminds us that we are all vulnerable and that we all on some level are not good enough, or lovable, or successful as we would want to be or can be. Yet, we need to rise above our own inadequacies and remind ourselves that we are good enough and lovable enough and successful enough.
We are enough, just as we are.
I mean think, when a baby, or in this case, when you were born, nobody judged you, you had no money, you came into the world naked, messy, wet, crying and yet it was a miracle!
People loved you, celebrated your birth, heck they even bought you presents, clothes, toys and you had your own room at home with furniture, a crib, a basinet and maybe a mobile with cartoon characters. Life was good as a baby.
But, something happens along the way and we are conditioned to have shame and to not always be our “big bold self”.
Last year this time, I felt immense shame. I had a toe infection that almost saw me lose my toe. I had an open wound that got infected and got into the bone.
I was worried. What about my health, my work? (I was working with the local government running an entrepreneur start-up training program for those who had challenges getting work and wanting to launch their own business). I was worried about my future. I felt raw, vulnerable and was scared.
This is not a nice place to be.
I was on sick leave from work, the work I did well. I was a coach, program coordinator and led this training program with over 60 clients to care for. I couldn’t even do my job. The government ruling is if you can’t come to work due to illness, then you had to go on sick leave.
In fact, by the fall (October time frame), the position I had got cut. Funding for the very program I led got cut and me with it. So, I was still battling the toe infection and now a job loss and a very tight financial situation.
Not a good place to be, with shame, fear, doubt and in a position that was not one bit comfortable.
So, fast forward to now, one year later and through a lot of work, prayer, meditation, visualization, healing and medical therapy, I managed to overcome a lot.
Have an intention:
Here is how it was done. It started with a decision and intention and a goal. When I got diagnosed with a bone infection in my toe, I decided I had to take off weight. I was 50 pounds too heavy. When you’re a man in his 50’s and you’re in business and wanting to succeed, 50 extra pounds is a death sentence to living and success. Not to mention that being overweight is not good for one’s issues around shame and in this case one’s body image and confidence.
In the moment I got diagnosed, I made it my goal to take off weight. In mid-October I embarked on doing the Keto program with a doctor. So, I am checking in monthly to ensure I am okay medically and to discuss my challenges with this new way of life and eating. Yes, I am an emotional eater and food to me fills me literally, but figuratively as well; it fills a void. It fills my shame, my fears, my loneliness and a few other things as well.
Since mid-October, I am down 42 pounds, 15 more to my goal … my blood tests were very strong 3 weeks ago after I went for my annual physical.
The toe is pretty good, although I have a bone in the big right toe that is damaged or deformed a bit that I need to keep watch over. (Probably for life).
The diabetes condition is in check and my sugars are in the 6 range, the lowest I have ever had.
#Commitment:
The next big thing after having the goal, intention and desire is to have absolute commitment to it. No wavering at all. It is just not allowed. None!
When you set your intention to heal, give it everything you got. It is the same as your business, what is your goal? Then do it full out.
Get support in place:
Other key success factors in overcoming those moments where you have shame or when things look bleak is to get the support you need.
You need a team around you to keep you propped up when you want to give in and quit. That team are friends, colleagues, coaches, mentors and a mastermind team. All of which I have in place; I encourage you to do the same.
See it believe it, meditate:
Learn to meditate and visualize the outcome too! Studies after studies show the benefits of meditation and visualization, helping you get into a natural state of relaxation. When you visualize, you change your focus from the current reality you’re in and move into a new one. This may sound hokey, but it works!
Love yourself through the shame or when things aren’t going well:
I am a 60’s baby, and I sill remember the song, Turn! Turn! Turn! by The Byrds. The lyrics are about change. The song goes like this, “for every season, turn, turn, turn, there is a reason, turn, turn, turn.” Everything changes, you won’t be down forever, things change, you may need to change. But the key is to love who you are through being human and vulnerable. We are all okay, just as you were when you were born. You were awesome then and you still are!
Take an inventory of all the good things you do and have accomplished in life, honour this…pat yourself on the back for all the good things you do and have done in life.
You gotta have faith:
Lastly, as George Michael of Wham, once sang, “You gotta have faith”. Choose to have faith.
If you don’t have faith your results won’t come in. Your beliefs shape your reality; change them if you aren’t getting the results you want.
In conclusion, as I look back on this time last year after this healing journey began and with me being in a totally challenging place, I can say now that it was meant to be.
I needed to level up and choose to live again, get healthy, take a time out, heal fully, thankfully, gracefully…and that is exactly what happened.
Not that I have arrived at my destination, I am clear as to where I am going, and the journey has been one of huge growth, self-love, struggle and joy!
I wish you a great rest of the summer!
